May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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