ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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