And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
