I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
