Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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