I'm so fucking centered right now
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize