so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
