The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
