im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
