When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
