The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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