All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
