My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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