How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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