can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
