What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
