I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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