awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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