where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
