You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
