She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
