she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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