Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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