I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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