you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize