Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize