We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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