evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
