whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
