This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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