I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
