umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
