she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
