I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
