they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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