this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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