After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
