I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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