Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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