Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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