just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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