my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
