Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's never too late to be topless.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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