the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
