Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
