If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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