Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
