Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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