Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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