I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
