It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
