Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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