Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
