Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
