it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
