I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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