This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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