Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
